Have you ever wondered why a death seems to bring the worst out in a family?
I have, and I am.
This is what I have witnessed the past few days as each of my husband’s siblings were briefly called to be told about their mother’s death:
- Sibling 1 tells lies about sibling 2 (twisting a conversation way beyond sensibility)
- Sibling 3 whines and says he has no time or money
- Sibling 4 changes the subject and discusses a family incident that never happened
- Sibling 5 …
I’ll stop there.
Why?
I have no answers. And I really want to stay out of the thick of it all. I have no intentions of hurting feelings. I love to see families that are close, with unbreakable bonds, but they are often not the norm. Mine isn’t, his isn’t. We do our best.
Prayer has been my steadfast. I choose to stand beside my husband. If you ask me what his best quality is, I will tell you without hesitation, “Honesty.” We agreed a long time ago to be open and tell it like it is, or to be silent when needed. There are no motives except to live life peacefully. Honesty and integrity is the best policy. Life has enough challenges without creating more of your own.
Sometimes when people are under stress it is best to take the quiet path. In my case, it involves a lot of overlooking and stamina.
I am not proud. I simply have a lot in my life that needs my energy.
This will also pass.
I would love to hear your thoughts. Why do you think families turn against each other at the worst of times? Perhaps they do not know how to deal with each other to begin with, especially when faced with something so monumental?
Have a beautiful weekend!
Annies Goat Hill Handcrafted Soaps 
So sorry to hear of your mother-in-law’s passing. You ALL are in my prayers.
I’m wondering if some just don’t know how to deal with death and sorrow. I have seen it many times myself. And continue to watch it on my Dad’s side of the family.
I imagine greed and jealousy have something to do with some situations also.
It’s sad.
And I hate being sucked into something like that, when I try to stay out completely or try to make peace.
Or sometime they all turn on the one trying to keep the peace. Been there, too.
Death is just hard for some to come to terms with.
Becky, I am sorry about the loss of your brother, and because of that I hesitated to write about this situation.
With everything going on, kidding season, and a few additional problems with it, I felt it was fair to be open and honest. I try to not bring too in-depth personal things here, but sometimes it is also good to air things out. Talk about who and what we are.
Take care.
Prayers are with you, Bob, and his family at this time! I have never had to really deal with that kind of situation though since we were all close to my Grandpa Jake (my Mom’s Dad) and my Great Uncle Joe (my Mom’s Uncle) but we try not to say hateful or lies really about our family though, my Grandpa and Great Uncle have been gone for 4 years now and my other Grandpa has been gone for 3 years.
My Grandma (my Mom’s Mom) just celebrated her 88th birthday and my e-mail buddy celebrated his 95th birthday!
Hugs,
Amy
Thank you, Amy.
My mother-in-law was 89 years old. She has not been well for many years.
I lost both of my parents awhile ago. My husbands’ parents are still with us. All I can say is that issues in life are magnified in death ( for the living , as I know you’d assumed). Siblings already have their baggage and only God will sort out the true motives and feelings. Add into this the relationships with parents, the sentimentality individuals attach to memories and possessions of the deceased and then the every day motives of pure greed and selfishness, well, a lethal ( hopefully not literally) combination of feelings to express and act upon when a family member dies.
I do know that if you escape a big time memorable discharge of emotions and verbal expression of them , well, all can and will be forgiven and forgotten. No tangible inheritance will be forgiven if someone feels snubbed, but in the end real love for brothers and sisters, parents and children ,will win out, barely.
We had some tense times when our father died, a few years after our mother. It seems all those little insignificant things got in the way but were really an excuse to yell, cry and grieve . If you keep your cool and pray for wisdom and love from God, things will work out for the best.You can again know and remember the siblings who loved and DO love you. Be there for each other no matter what. And spouses can only help support each other and encourage love for siblings even if the other siblings show anything but love…you will get through this, years, generations, and centuries prove this. Bless you.
Thank you, Kathy.
Yes, the support does kick in. The encouragement to say and do the right things, to understand one another despite what the surface is looking like.
Bob and I went out and chose plots today, for both of his parents (we have dad’s ashes with us already), and for ourselves as well. It will take me a few days to settle into knowing where I will be laid to rest. But it was something that eventually needed to be done. Respect needed for Bob’s mother and father.
Families have such interesting dynamics, mine was no exception.
I like how you said that, Joanna.
When my mother passed away my sister were already close, but I do beleive we became closer. It became obvious that mom lives on through us, not in those exact means, you know, but after someone is gone for a while you do see them in other people through speech, actions…and I feel blessed.
In some situations, though, like this one, it is more difficult to see the good that comes with the bad. It will come out eventually.
Mary, I am so sorry for your loss. May you find solace knowing she is with her maker.
Hello Melissa. Thank you.
I really want to see the end of her life treated respectfully, regardless of the family problems. And that is what we will do.
Mary, when my dad passed last summer, my four siblings and I each dealt with the situation differently. We also judged each other about how we each were handling the scene around his illness and death. My mom and I had been with Dad for the last few years, but my siblings didn’t have to deal with the day-to-day, only the occasional visits. Mom and I grieved for months before Dad’s passing, but my siblings only began their processes the last few weeks of his life. For me, I had to realize this and let them be. They were thinking that I didn’t care.
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, but just know, as you said above, that this, too, shall pass.
Mom and I decided that we each have our own ways of dealing with death, and that we all make decisions according to other things going on in our lives. Yet, we all have to live with our own choices. Let them live with theirs. Do the best you can.
My prayers are with you and your family. God bless.
I appreciate your comments, Debbie. I am living with what their choices, truly. I brought them here to open the forum to open up to what is happening in life right now. As far as how they are reacting, my place is to do my best and move forward.
Life gets shaken from time to time. Some bigger tremblers than others. One of the things we can walk away with is a bit more strength, wisdom, and integrity, and that is what I am doing. Without a focus on what anyone else is doing. I’ll leave that to somone greater than I.
Mary, let me say how sorry I am at the passing of your MIL. And for the family stress involved. It is indeed a trying time. If you don’t have a close family and these are the circumstances that bring people together you get to know things you never knew or noticed or, as Kathy said, things are magnified. You aren’t seeing people at their best. For some of my family, that is their best:(
Keep your chin up. We all look forward to better days.
Debbie
Hearing the angles that you have provided, all of the comments on this post, has helped me to bend, to see this more clearly. Sometimes we need help from others. I shared your comments with my husband as well. We are both doing better, by the way. Time will take care of this. I doubt that it ever completely heals. Problems do not bloom overnight. You are right, when people are forced to be together, or at least forced to work together on a solution, it makes everything come out, things that were hidden behind walls.
Take care, Debbie. Thank you!
Hi Mary,
Sorry about your loss, and all that follows. My one side of the family can fight like cats and dogs, but an “outsider” once said of us: “Prick one and they all bleed.” And it’s true for the most part.
Family dynamics are interesting to watch… especially if you’re not the one caught up in the middle of it all. May Bob’s family find peace… and may you rest, knowing you’ve done the right thing. 🙂
I am nearing peace again, Lynnanne. Removal of my own feelings was the best thing to do. For someone as steadfast as I am, I sure felt like I was slipping for a day or so! Coupled with no sleep, goodness. I am inching back. The world is making sense to me again!
Have a beautiful weekend!
Hey Mary – Sorry for your loss. It’s always hard no matter the circumstances.
I’ve seen selfishness and greed and jealousy bust up some great families including the immediate family of my father. And all those sentiments are so magnified during hard times and grief.
We have a very close family and have been able to deal with some deaths in a serene manner. I believe with all my heart that if Christ is at the center of the home and family with all the members, then things will go much better. No family’s perfect and mine is not either, but I sure do think Christ’s presence in our lives helps us to put others before ourselves and take some of the selfishness out of our hearts.
There’s my 2 cents. I think you’re right tho. Keeping calm and laying low are always on the safe side… My condolences are with you guys…
Thank you, Vickie. I appreciate your comments and absolutely agree with you. Thankfully, things are calming down at this point.